[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
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A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I have many caverns
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.