I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
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Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Human are so complicated
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.