Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
You Might Also Like
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
…żyje?
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
At least try to make it slightly believable
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.