We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
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I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.