me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
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The days of good grammer has went
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness