I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
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My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Check your privilege
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Strange
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.