My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
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Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
this has to be peak English
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
never compromise your values
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!