i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
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When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I’m not stressed