what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
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me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.