I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
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screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there