At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
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“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”