Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
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*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend