I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
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The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I’ll be mad as hell!
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST