A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
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You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
My friend is an excellent librarian.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you