Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
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we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.