When libraries troll their patrons.
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What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
the three branches of government
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere