Beauty and the Beast
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The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Does your wife know you’re single?
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.