I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
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I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.