me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
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Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
congratulations to them
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Interior design 👌
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo