After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.