I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
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Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Finally! 😈
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*