I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
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*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.