“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
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The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.