My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
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Meanwhile in Portland…
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
“our sushi is very fresh”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open