I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
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Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
opening a flower shop called women in stem
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor