Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
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You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Sing it!
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.