“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
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You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?