Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
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Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*