“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
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“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
BaD BoY!!
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Mornin. * use accordingly
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult