My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
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Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd