Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
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5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.