do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
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Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Message from the dog groomers
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.