GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
You Might Also Like
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Just a reminder, folks:
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”