Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
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The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.