DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
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Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
grotesque if literal: baby food
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.