Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
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A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
your honor my client chooses dare
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.