Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
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The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
plums roundup
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID