Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
You Might Also Like
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I’ve been learning to cook.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.