Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
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how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
bad
worse
worst
worchester
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Florida man
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?