I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
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Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”