imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
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#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven