If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
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Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Worth the read.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community