Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
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“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this