the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
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Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.