Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
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[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
It do be feeling this way.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.