me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
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COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
omg leave her alone
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I wish I were this cool 😂
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy