Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
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For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
🌱🌱🌱
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Teach your children to beatbox
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats