90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
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My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Every time my phone rings
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?