Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
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He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.