new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
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I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?